So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
