my phone needs a breathalizer
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
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