batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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