I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
