I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
