My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
