Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
