I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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