he puts the penis in happiness.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
