Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
