Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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