why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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