can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
