I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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