she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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