I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
