whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
