I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
