im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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