they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
