You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
