What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
