remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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