I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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