it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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