I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
