Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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