Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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