hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
