Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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