I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
