My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
