I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
This is classic penis vs brain.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
