I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
