Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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