At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
