Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just found puke in my bra..
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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