I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
