She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
