I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Randomize
