i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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