We won't sleep together?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
