why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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