OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Duck Duck Cougar?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
