I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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