So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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