I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
