I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
