We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
