You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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