i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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