You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
