I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
