she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
its liver damage thursday
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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