No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
